Every relationship with another person begins with the relationship with yourself
Today I was facilitating a session remotely in Italy, and it turned into a very interesting session. I want to share the insights that came up for me and for my client.
The situation was this: she had a conflict with a colleague—a member of her team—and it seemed to her that this person had lots of demands and complaints toward her. We worked with this using The Work and saw the same reality from a completely different angle…
Every relationship with another person starts with our relationship with ourselves. If it seems to us that someone has many demands and complaints about us—and it really grabs our attention and irritates us—that happens because, in truth, we have many demands and complaints toward ourselves. We don’t like that in us. The other person becomes our mirror, showing us what to shift in ourselves so we can be in harmony both with them and with ourselves. When we realize where the problem actually comes from and turn the focus inward, we take responsibility for our own peace. We see that the key is inside us, and that we can act and change. And when we change, the situation shifts too. This is a huge inner power—one we often don’t recognize while we’re trying to solve the problem “out there.”
Our inner power is knowing that we can resolve within ourselves everything that disturbs us around us. The Work of Byron Katie is a wonderful tool for this: it wakes up our inner power and, with the help of others, returns us to ourselves. This is where real freedom and inner peace begin.
A second insight that became even clearer: we cannot see other people apart from how we perceive ourselves. In this case, we realized that the colleague who “had complaints about her” in fact had those same complaints toward herself—and was projecting them onto my client. We are only irritated by what we don’t accept in ourselves. Seeing this and accepting it, my client understood that none of it was personal; instead of aggression, she felt compassion and love toward her colleague. In essence, two people had met, both carrying many demands and complaints toward themselves, both projecting them onto each other, both trying to find peace by changing the other. That path is hopeless… Fortunately, my client recognized this, took her part of responsibility, and felt inner harmony. This will naturally affect her colleague, their relationship, and of course their shared work. As Byron Katie says, one person is enough for peace, because peace is disturbed in us and can be restored in us. It’s inner work; it isn’t solved outside.
It’s an amazing transformation when clearly seeing reality dissolves anger, aggression, and fear—and in their place love and compassion arise, toward the other and toward ourselves. Each of us has the inner power to give this to ourselves.
Just notice the situations in your life where it seems others have demands and complaints about you. What is happening in you at that moment? If you were really honest with yourself, might you discover that you have these very demands and complaints toward yourself? Is that person simply voicing your inner dialogue?
Alright—so what advice would you give that person? For example, “I want him to understand me.” Beautiful. Now turn it around toward yourself and toward the other person: “I want to understand myself,” “I want to understand him/her.” Then look closely—what does that mean for you? Isn’t this actually truer? What we want the other person to do in relation to us is, in truth, what we want to do in relation to ourselves—and to them. This is where inner peace and freedom begin. Meet yourself and feel your inner power—for your own freedom.
Wishing you a successful day! ❤
With love,
Tina ❤
